I became a New Jersey State Trooper in 1973 and was selected to work what I was told would be a 6 month deep undercover assignment that ended up lasting for 3 years. I became another person and infiltrated the Genovese and Bruno Crime Families (investigation began in 1975 however I lived it for more than 8 years with ongoing prosecutions). I received death threats after surfacing – the impact of the entire experience caused for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder yet I tried to portray the image that was being placed on me – this “tough guy” who infiltrated the mafia – I was just doing my job and living in fear – the internal conflict caused for an emotional roller coaster ride.

PTSD was not a diagnosis at that time (not until 1981) – I felt alone, angry, paranoid, hyper-vigilant, anti-social and like no one would understand – I became another person when I went undercover- I became Bobby Covert, yup a catchy name for an undercover guy but we were not being “cute” – I actually took on the identity of a child who died at birth. I was again ANOTHER PERSON after surfacing and trying to regain Bob Delaney’s identity.

I did not ask for help – help found me. I had Troopers around me at all times and one was Detective John Schroth. He had a Rutgers University psychology degree and he was the first one who pointed out I was acting “different” – he told me I was “aloof” among other things he identified. I pushed him away. My college psych professor and I reconnected and we started doing informal therapy – he told me what I was experiencing was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – I pushed him away. Louis Freeh was an FBI Agent who I worked with (later became the fifth Director of the FBI) – he knew I was on an emotional roller-coaster when he introduced me to another undercover by the name of Joe Pistone (Donnie Brasco) – when we spoke I knew he got what I was going thru, and peer to peer conversations helped me release my inner thoughts. I had permission because I knew he understood.

I use this analogy – there is cancer before a person is diagnosed with cancer and doctors are confident that if two people have the same type cancer the same medical protocol will work – however if you are dealing with a trauma experience – what works for you may not work for me and what works for me may not work for you- help has to be individualized and I am a firm believer in peer to peer conversation (used to say peer to peer therapy however eliminate medical sounding words where I can because in my view we have over-medicalized PTS (not the disorder, just what we go through) – it is a human condition not a “mental illness.” I understand if left untreated it may develop into mental health complications and symptoms – the reason we need to put up road blocks and not allow it to fester and grow. Low self-worth is fertile ground for major mental health complications to grow after experiencing trauma.

My “therapy” was basketball – I played in high school and college and after the undercover work while I could no longer play I could officiate games. Being on the court where there were rules and boundaries gave me an inner peace after living in a world with no boundaries. The running helped release endorphins and my hyper-vigilance was being given a work-out – I did not know then what I know today about how all I was physically and mentally doing during a game was helping me emotionally. My ” therapy” opened the door to a 30 plus year NBA career as a referee and most recently as NBA Vice President Referee Operations/Director of Officials.

I told pieces of my story when speaking before law enforcement officers and that grew to speaking before not only cops but also firefighters and first responders, and then the military. I have been to Iraq and Afghanistan numerous times and have presented around the world before Troops. My story allows them to be reflective of their own story. I use these words – “PTS is not about what is wrong with us; it is about the wrong we experienced.”

Positive responses when people hear my story because it is not MY story it is OUR story . We all deal with something, and the willingness to share your story gives others permission to tell their story. I’m hoping through the #SameHere campaign and the Alliance members sharing, you will too. I also believe we need Post Trauma Education and Awareness – like we’ve done with HIV/AIDS, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, gambling – give folks the tools to better understand how trauma influences us. I look forward to helping form and roll-out those programs through this Alliance.