When You Feel Like You’re Falling Apart

Not gonna front…this is how I’m feeling.  The last wk & a half has been FLA ➡️ LA ➡️ NC ➡️ LI ➡️ NYC ➡️ BOS ➡️ CLE ➡️ BAL ➡️ DC ➡️ LI ➡️ & now on to FLA again tonight for an event at North Broward Prep, for tomorrow morn.

Maybe this leaves me publicly vulnerable given the work I do, but I’m gonna say it regardless of the ramifications: my presentation today in LI, to the students – one I “know” like the back of my hand, felt like anything BUT my traditional session.

This picture is a good depiction of how I feel when I start to go off the rails from lack of self care & stress. It’s like a robot that can’t see straight, has arms falling off, has “error” messages.

I usually jump up when I’m introduced to an audience. I usually love to get the “show” started.  Today that’s not at all how it felt. As my name was being called, I felt a trepidation going up. My mind went blank.

Typically when I present, there’s a thought track that comes from the heart, & I follow that track beginning to end, FEELING every word. Today, I presented feeling disconnected.

Everyone describes their “malfunctions” differently.  To me, it literally feels like I have to “think” out of a diff part of my brain than what’s comfortable, to form the words.  Just like the arm in this pic, my hands & legs feel disconnected.  My visual migraines start & cloud my vision.

I was telling @drjenonline afterwards, this was my best description: Imagine you drag your foot in the sand from your towel, to a place where you’re going to get food. You can see the path. You know how to get back after you get the food. Then imagine the ocean goes over that path you drew, & it’s gone – for GOOD.  You need to find another guide back & you’re not sure how you’re going to.

When bad, you believe, like what the ocean did, your carved out path of comfort in your brain is GONE. Like you’ll never get it back.

But, as I board this plane for FLA, w the presentation tomorrow morn, I’ve come to learn, the line is still there. It’s just not assessable now.  The best way to get the line back? Not bug that I can’t find it at this moment.  Will report back whether it works after tomorrow’s session w the school.

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