What Depression Can Feel Like

When I feel like crap, I try my best to capture the moment(s) & share, bc just describing being “off” doesn’t do nearly enuf to help others understand, relate, feel less alone.

How do the symptoms of my PTSD manifest when they start acting up? Hopefully these analogies are helpful:

Ever been to the gym, & one of your earphones stops working correctly? Maybe you sweat in it too much ;)…or just from overall wear/tear it starts to break down. You listen to the music, & it’s not the same. Why? The way the music’s produced, each earphone plays a diff piece of the ensemble. Maybe you’re hearing the lead singer more than the drums…or more than the guitar…or more than the bass.

Now imagine that effect, as if you were the director of a symphony. I tried my best to illustrate it visually here, but I’m no sleuth w pic editing. As that director, one of your arms becomes tired & you can’t move it as fluidly as the other – no longer in sync w the rhythm of the song. You’re able to hear the cello w vibrancy, but the trumpets, violins, & oboes sound muffled. You can’t even hear the drummers bc they’re too far away from you in the back. Sound familiar?

At least how I experience my symptoms when my brain is just off, it’s as if the instruments in my orchestra aren’t audible. My physical movements, like the hand of the director, are labored. Part of my brain works “well enuf” like the cello (maybe it’s my ability to have a convo). But parts of my brain seem “shut off” or muted. Weird things like – recognizing what day of the wk it is, whose house I’m at, what I have in my plans for the rest of the day, any memories I’d like to tap into as others talk, so I can relate.  It’s like in this pic, where the other instruments are blurry or dark, even pitch black.

Our brains are like that symphony orchestra. Often w/o realizing it, many diff instruments are working in harmony w one another, creating beautiful music. But, when it’s off, we don’t feel right. The music sounds off. The silver lining is – we appreciate how much of a miracle it is, when the orchestra IS crisp & clear.

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