If you grew up in a house where there were challenges from a young age, maybe you can relate to some/all of these slides.
We believe everyone goes thru challenging life events: stressors & even traumas, but they can happen at diff pts in our lives. For those who experienced hurdles as kids, like: major ongoing fights btwn parents & divorces, job losses of parents & having to move often, sickness or loss of loved ones at a young age, a sibling w developmental challenges, someone close to you who was being bullied constantly or even who confided in you they were being sexually abused – how could YOU BE HAPPY?
I personally remember as a little kid, looking fwd to getting Islanders tix. It’d be a wk or 2 away…& I’d have this buzz, thinking abt that day/nt coming up. It gave me a rush. But I was also aware enough at the time to be inquisitive & question: why does it take an NHL game of my fave team, wks away, to get that rush? Why am I not getting it more often, or elsewhere, just by doing ordinary “stuff”?
If you know my story – my brother was sick, consistently, from the time I was 8 until about 23. I almost didn’t know of a childhood w/o that stress/trauma. So my coping became – being strong – for myself & others, thru accomplishments. Making teams, scoring goals, becoming captains, scholar athlete awards, etc.
Here’s the insidious part: the accomplishments REPLACED the NEED at the time, for happiness. I got my dopamine hits from all of the above.
While the hockey games were actual happiness for me that I didnt need to MAKE happen, & could just “be,” that was few & far btwn. I went to maybe 5-8 games a yr. What abt the other 360 days?
When you’re warding off emotional pain – for yourself & others, accomplishments give you a “hit.” But the thing is, it’s diff than just allowing yourself to BE. To find happiness in the mundane. A hug. Time together w fam. A lazy Saturday. Your nervous system’s so dysregulated, you just want to avoid pain, & feeling happiness naturally doesn’t come easy, so you find other pathways of avoidance, like accomplishments.
Then as an adult you gotta LEARN to find happiness in just BEING.