01/05/20 #SameHere Hero: Janessa Holland

“Growing up, I lived in an incredibly explosive home. My Dad, and Mom had their own demons growing up and unfortunately it trickled down to my brother and I.

 

I was always extremely unique as a child.
I lacked the ‘normal,’ attention span of most kids. I had horrible headaches that were paralyzing. I did not sleep well, ever!
I had quite a lot of imaginary friends. I was extremely sensitive and I cried all the time. Teachers, classmates, and my own parents were completely baffled as to what to do with me.

 

Elementary school was an excruciating experience for me. I stayed back in the second grade because, I could not do my alphabets, or read like everyone else.I was always in trouble for not paying attention, not completing my school work, or not understanding. I was constantly bullied by my classmates and I hated school!

 

At home, there was always yelling and screaming. At times, my dad wouldn’t speak for days at a time. Once his silence would break, it came out in RAGE! My Dad would get so angry that I was not able to read, or do my ABC’s like all the other kids that he would shake the crap out of me. He would scream in my face and ask me, ‘What is wrong with you!’
‘We’re going to sit here and do this until you get them right!’

 

I endured hours of this until he was so frustrated and pissed off he would send me to my room. I would cry so much that my eyes would be swollen shut the next day when I would wake and it would take half the day before my face would look normal.

 

The second year I was in second grade, my teacher had done some research about a learning disability called, dyslexia. She believed I suffered from this disability. From that point on, came the beginning of numerous diagnosis that would continue for the next 40 years.

 

Throughout my life, I was diagnosed with everything under the sun. Inside, I felt less than, lost, incapable, stupid, unimportant, and extremely sad. I always felt alone, even in a room full of people. I tried killing myself the first time at the age of 13. Four more suicide attempts followed throughout my youth. I became an alcoholic and a drug addict. I entered my first rehab at the age of 17. I was diagnosed with anorexia bulimia while I was in rehab and the diagnosis’s never stopped coming.

 

Depression, anxiety, fear, shame, anger, rage, and self hatred consumed me. Drug after drug was prescribed and I overused almost all of them! Even during my long durations of sobriety. I completely lost faith in Doctors, psychologist, and psychiatrist. I truly started to believe but they were all just a sham!
The medications, the diagnosis, the mental hospitals, the stigma! Who the fuck was I and what the fuck was wrong with me?

 

A couple years ago, I worked at a store called Super Stop. I had been having a lot of trouble with one of my co-workers being extremely abusive verbally and showing signs a possibly being physical. I had told the owner numerous times about the issues. He ignored my words and chalked it up to a cultural difference.
My fears became reality when he did attack me at work. I quit that day, filed a police report and immediately called to get an appointment with a professional.

 

Unknowingly, this horrible situation became my saving grace and ultimately brought me to the core If all of the insanity. I suffered from PTSD.
Not only had the attack from my coworker affected me, but it brought up a lot more than I ever imagined. For the first time in 46 years, I finally understood where the root to all of my pain was coming from. My ENTIRE Life has forever been changed!

 

I have been given new techniques that absolutely have changed my life.
Meditation, Reading and Positive Affirmations every day. I use a technique I call patting, and flashing. (I have no idea what the medical term is exactly.) Screaming in an empty field, or in my car alone to extinguish the frustration, anger, pain, and irritation. Writing! Writing! Writing! Writing has always been something that I’ve done and something that I truly believe in for myself. Feelings, experiences, memories, accomplishments, fears, etc.

 

Helping others. The number one thing that has always helped me to get out of myself and out of my own head has been to help others. Helping others has always been the one thing that I get complete satisfaction and I know without a doubt that I am meant to help others through my own experiences. I have also been blessed to have had a number of intense spiritual experiences in my life and ultimately, the last spiritual experience showed me everything I needed to know and do.
I realize this may sound bizarre, outlandish, and maybe ridiculous, however, it’s my truth.

 

And today, I see my complete and total worth!
I do not need anyone’s approval, or understanding of who I am. I am perfectly imperfect in all the perfect ways to make Jenessa. I can honestly say, I fully understand what it means to love and accept myself completely.

 

I have not shared my #SameHere Story a lot with my friends and family. They all know something incredible has happened to me.
They have seen the change in my entire being and a lot of them think it’s another phase.

 

It’s NOT, I can assure you. Truthfully, this is the first time in my life that I really don’t care what people say about me, or how they react. Those that are meant to understand me well understand me and those that don’t are not meant to. My ultimate goal for the rest of my life, is to empower others and help others.
I have BIG freaking Goals that I am going to achieve and I have already started this journey.
I am going to be a life coach. I am going to speak to whoever will listen. I am here for a purpose. It has taken a while to figure it out, but now that I have come to know it, I now must live it!”

 

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