Haven’t been myself the last 3wks…not sure who noticed, as I kept it kinda private to respect family (& candidly bc I wasn’t ready to write it – as putting it to formal words would make it more “real”)…but we had to place my grandma, Nana Hannah, into hospice care at the age of 101. Then, 2 days ago, at 1:00am, she left this world, surrounded by our whole fam, at my parent’s house.
This post won’t be abt her, specifically. If you’d like to read more abt her life & the legacy she left behind, I’ll post a link to a share I did on Facebook yesterday, in Stories.
Instead, I thought being open abt the grief process would be helpful. There is/was a lot to share that I hope resonates & makes others feel less alone in their losses.
At 9yrs old, I lost my grandfather, Poppy Ben. At the time (story for another post) it hit me out of nowhere. My parents, in trying to protect us, hadn’t told us he was sick. Then, like the snap of a finger, we had to get used to the idea we’d never see him again. I cried hysterically. It was the first major loss I’d experience at an age where I could comprehend what loss meant. My other Poppy, Lou, had died when I was only 3, too young to understand the gravity of it all.
9yrs old, I was old enough to grasp the enormity. But I was young enough that major traumas hadn’t hit me just yet. My nervous system was PURE. Little to no walls up…I can remember the intense pain – of writing him a note to put in his casket…of shoveling the dirt on the grave as my mother wept for losing her father.
The next 20yrs trauma found me. My brother became sick in every way imaginable. Cancer 2x, septic shock, coma, kidney transplant, broken bones, jeep accident, blood clots.
In that time period, knowing nothing abt MH, my brain/body became wired to expect the threat. Every time an ambulance went by, I was sure it was going to my house. Every time the phone rang & it was my parents # I expected to hear abt some catastrophe. My brain/body became wired to expect something awful – bc IF it hit me as a surprise, like my Poppy’s death, I’d crumble.