Like There Is A Brick Wall In Front Of You

Another one of those posts where I know where I’m starting, but not sure at all where I’ll end up.

 

I shared a poll in the “stories” section last night, that’s gotten more replies than any poll to date. The question was: When your MH “symptoms” act up, do you sometimes feel like you’re facing a brick wall? Like you can’t see/envision 5 min in front of you?  Like you can’t daydream? Like you can’t make plans? Worse, like the world literally feels like it’s gonna end in just a few?

 

Gotta admit the 1st time I started feeling that (before my crash), the feeling scared the shit out of me. Live w it being a symptom for a # of yrs, & you end up accepting it & just going abt your day, trying to ignore it.

 

I was fascinated by how many of you in the poll said you’ve felt it too. So, I wanted to dive a little deeper. No matter how many doctors/experts/neuroscientists I’ve asked abt this feeling…I always seem to get a diff answer as to why. And that makes sense, right? The brain is so complex – we can’t “identify a thought & dissect it” under microscope, so the answers we get are only gonna be theories & opinions.

 

I’ve heard everything from: 1) we have a finite capacity for emotional energy & when we surpass it, parts of our brains shut off, to 2) it’s our brains way of protecting ourselves – as when we are in a highly anxious state, visualizing the future comes w uncertainties, & therefore more anxiety, & so our brains stop us from the what-if thinking by shutting off our view of what’s down the road.

 

Now keep in mind, this is one of about 497 weird feelings we get/others have described when MH “acts up” on us…& I look forward to discussing others in future posts. But this particular one is friggin’ scary!

 

To not be able to envision anything in front of you it feels like this life you’re living…that we’re all living…this reality of ours, just falls off a cliff & ends in a black hole of nothingness. Not sure about you all, but while that may help us not obsess over “what-if” scenarios about details of our lives down the road, it doesn’t take away my anxiety! In fact it makes it worse…& this is why I believe when our symptoms like these “act up,” its a vicious cycle & hard to get out of.

 

Where do symptoms like these come from? Are they part of these bucketed textbook labels of – Depression? Anxiety? PTSD? OCD? This is a little bit of the reason why I think diagnoses are only partially helpful – insurance/having validation that you have “something”…& that’s bc MH symptoms like these that you actually need to describe – seem to happen to ppl regardless of what your diagnosis is. I kinda call them the “mish mosh.” They’re symptoms that come from a brain/system not functioning optimally.

 

Here’s the thing – the ONLY way I’ve learned to get over these symptoms quickly, is to let them be. I picture them like a cloud above me.  The cloud shades my sunny day, BUT I know clouds eventually move. So too will these symptoms (which at the time seem like they are permanent) pass by. The only way to beat the symptoms is to accept the symptoms…& then they no longer have control over you.

 

Can you relate to the feelings above? Have you felt similar but slightly different? Any “crazy” symptoms you want to talk about or DM me abt? I’m all ears. This stuff fascinates me.

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