6/2/21: Your Memories Are All In There, They Just Need Room

n event happened to me last nt that made me want to share what I believe happens in our brains/CNSs as it pertains to our feelings & memories. Since it related to experiences from childhood – a good excuse to be able to share this pic of my adorable niece, cleaning a Buddha 😂! Nice work, @littlebitoluck.

Ok, so I’ve shared that after my crash & then working on healing, cognitive functioning was the 1st thing to “come back”…& that the most challenging for me, has been the access to deep feelings (high or low), & memories.

The memories piece can be a little complicated…some bc I did (regrettably) have 12 session of ECT shock therapy performed on my brain, & the belief is, that can impact memory.

But the strange thing is, for certain events in my life (even after ECT), my friends actually turn to me to try to pull up random memories: the name of our 2nd grade teacher…who played a part in the school play in elementary school…the jersey color of the team we played in the finals of a soccer tourney.

So strangely I can remember those random facts like it was yesterday, & yet in other cases, it’s blank, as if I wasn’t even there. Prob more disheartening: I don’t have a lot of memories that just “pop up” – eg, watching a movie & having a scene bring me back to a time in my life…or listening to a song & it lighting a flame on a feeling abt a past experience. That’s rough.

Ok, so last night I could NOT sleep. Nothing particular on my mind. And I usually sleep like a log. But as I was laying there, prob 4am, my mind got this flash of memories of childhood, & 3 toys in particular I enjoyed playing w (cue the 80s music): 1) a He-Man castle, 2) a WWF wrestling ring, 3) a Voltron action figure.

How random, right? A time when my brain would seem to be NOT functioning…4am…& THIS is when these memories/feelings come back? I say feelings bc, yes, I could remember even the feel of each toy, the simplicity of the joy of playing w each.

Why bring this up? I’m working my butt off to release & rewire my trauma/make space. Healing isn’t linear. That space comes back when it’s ready. Keep working. It’s all still in there!

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