23/12/2020: The Downside Of Numbing Our Feelings

As humans, we’re drawn to the fluctuation of feelings & emotions. It’s why we love plays, movies, sporting events. They aren’t just “entertaining.” They take our emotions for a ride, & we crave that.
Been a rough couple of wks for me…I’m a pretty open book. MH has its ebbs & flows, & this most recent period has just been one of those ebbs.
The 1st “things” to come back to me 3yrs ago, were cognition & simply the ability to function. I went from having almost no daily/productive thoughts, & feeling incapable of everyday tasks, to gaining a good amount of all of that back.
It sounds, from the stories that I get from you, that it’s not so dissimilar to the macro trends that exist for most. Cognition & daily function come back first. What typically lag are feelings & emotions.
I think it’s an energy capacity thing….a self protection mechanism….a scarring. I think it’s all of the above.
The most common thing we hear abt emotions is that: “we’ve put up walls.” And most of us don’t actively put them up- they subconsciously happen based on how our “hand’s been burned by the flame” in the past. 
Here’s the thing- it might feel SAFER to NOT feel emotions, bc we’re able to avoid getting burned. But when we settle into that pattern, we also risk missing the UP-side that comes w being able to feel emotions.
After you’ve lived thru trauma, is it nice, for example, to not wake up every day fearing the worst, bc “it’s happened before & it may happen again.” Yes it’s comforting not to feel it, but I don’t believe the answer is to settle in a place where we feel nothing, bc it’s safe.
Why have the past couple of wks been ebbs for me? Bc it’s holiday time, & feelings & emotions (in large part), still haven’t come back. It sucks, & I get frustrated, & it spirals me more.
But here are few takeaways: 1) Before we get to the pt of a crash, if you’re feeling “less emotion” & that feels “safe”…don’t settle for it. It’s fools gold. We were meant to FEEL. 2) We CAN work on gaining back feelings. That’s what practices are for. To regain that space needed for them. Embrace the work bc you get the “high end” back too!

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