Today’s SameHere Hero Story: Lalita
I experience a violent situation in the past related to my parents. Beginning in childhood I was hit and yelled at by my mother, which made me grow up with the fear of my own parents. When I felt angry or sad, I was scolded instead of being listened to. When I was a teenager, I started knowing about my parents’ problems which involved my father’s bankruptcy. The issues did not stop there. The phase where I fell the hardest was when I found out my father had been cheating on my mother for more than 9 years. This sent me into a crisis where I lacked any trust.
When I’m at my lowest I’m angry, sad, it’s all mixed together and I’m numb. I become distrustful of anyone. I feel the world is unfair asking – why do I have to endure like this repeatedly. Why don’t I feel happy? I feel ashamed of the world, worthless, want to disappear from the world, want to die, and have even injured myself in various ways because I feel it’s useless to continue living. In fact, I’m so numb, I couldn’t cry. I am very sensitive to everyone who tries to be friends with me because I don’t trust them. I anger easily, I suddenly burst out laughing after crying. I am tired of going through this because I feel like I can’t escape everything I am feeling.
I reached out to a Psychologist for help in 2018 because my friends encouraged me, which gave me the strength to talk about my problems. My Psychologist saved me just before I was contemplating taking my own life because I felt I had nothing left to hold on to.
I began learning to feel emotions that are inside of me, feelings of happiness, anger, and sadness. I started practicing yoga, listening to calming music, and doing work to slowly work on myself.
While I still find it difficult to be as open about my problems as I would like, the response of my close friends turned out to be very positive. They accompany me little by little along the way, I am still a work in progress and am working daily to continue believing in myself in order to move forward.