I shared 2 post ago that I’d dipped to a rough patch again after an overwhelming amount of travel.
I don’t think I’ll ever dip into the place I got to when I first had my crash in 2015. Have more tools now…but more importantly greater awareness as to WHY I spiral. Back then I didnt know what MH was…so w each new symptom & each new loss of function – cognitively – I freaked out even more. And the more I freaked out, the more my nervous system read that as an even greater threat, the more I spun down, & the more function I lost.
When you spend 2.5yrs laying in a bed & staring at the ceiling, you don’t think you’re ever gonna come back from it. At the time, the world felt dull & numb. There was no “sadness”…it was darkness & an inability to function. Btw I thought I was working my butt off, waiting for the diff combos of Rx’s to “kick in.” Felt like I was running a marathon.
But desire didn’t exist in my world. There was no rewards system. I woke up w/o any original thoughts. Things we take for granted like: I gotta shower, answer emails, put on clothes – in that freeze state of the nervous system, they don’t exist. You just lay there, dysfunctional, & if you can muster any thoughts – it’s “why do I feel like this?”
As I’ve shared before, one of the greatest days of my life, after learning integrative modalities, was waking up one morn & 1) looking at my controller & WANTING to turn the TV on, & 2) WANTING to make scrambled eggs for breakfast. The idea of WANT had escaped me so long, that having it back, I appreciated it for the miracle it was.
Why bring that up now/today? Back to how I felt after this recent road trip, I’m not gonna lie, I was a bit scared. I’ve got my tools, but some of those numbness symptoms started to creep back & I was afraid I was getting to a place of spiraling again. No matter how many tools & support I have, I’m a human…doubt’s part of the processes.
My friends from the Isles (pic➡️) invited me to a game on Mon, & IN the arena, for the 1st time in wks I felt the feeling of JOY once again. Peace & enjoyment. It was brief but gave me hope. Amazing how small things can feel like miracles.