When You’re There, But Not Fully There

How many of you can relate to this statement? How many have been forced to appear present, when you’re far from?

A friend shared some research the other day (I put it up in stories) abt how traumatic events may be culprits in doing a number on our memories. The interesting part of the research was – the impact wasn’t just on the memory of the traumatic event, alone! Instead, the impact was felt on other parts of our memories, that didn’t seem to have a direct correlation w a traumatic event.

Oddly, I remember my traumas more vividly than many of the positive events in my life. Where I was & how I felt when I heard news of fam or friends passing away…how my parents reacted when they got news of my brother’s ailments/accidents happening. Those things are literally branded in my brain.

Yet…memories I’d love to be able to easily recall – even just “feelings related to a time period” in my life, seem to often escape me.  I’ll test myself by asking: what did I feel like in HS when I was trying out for teams…when we went to certain concerts…etc.

It’s not ALL bad. Some of my friends can’t believe the shit – the GOOD stuff – I do remember from college, 20yrs ago.  I remember who said what, where, & who was arnd.  For wedding speeches I can pull things out of my butt that our friends have forgotten for decades.

But, combine all the above together, & it still sucks the way the brain can feel so out of focus, & so “removed” even when there’s an event you’d feel like you’d be so “IN” the moment at…but you just don’t..This pic is from a going away party before I left for the gig in FL. I was “there”…I could sense the happiness of fam/friends that I was on to new adventures. But, I remember not being “fully” there. Our brains process so many things at once, we take it for granted. I couldn’t recall memories abt certain ppl there…couldn’t “feel” emotions abt leaving…completely forgot what day of the wk it was.

Just sharing this bc it’s scary…but want you to know you’re not alone. I’d like to believe it’s energy, & the more we do the work to gain it back, the more our memories & emotions come back too.

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