Been too forward w my original story & my day-to-days to ever front about how I’m feeling. Simply put, today has kinda sucked. Maybe you can relate to this – but I call it the “Expectations Vortex.”
Last night, I was fortunate enough to get tickets through a sports industry friend, to watch the childhood team I loved & was “in my backyard of,” host their first home playoff game to start an NHL series since 1988. 30 frigging years we’d been waiting for this.
My friends & I grew up on this team. It was the first place we were allowed to drive to on our own. First place we were allowed to stay out late when games went into OT, first team where we spent our own money on buying jerseys, & even the first lot we learned what the concept of tailgating was.
So, as you can imagine, w the ability to bring some of those same childhood friends to this particular game last night, as well as meet up w my brother & other friends, the expectations for fun were quite high.
We had great seats, right by the ice, the arena was rocking (the only way this arena can), pregame, & still I felt a bit off. Very little adrenaline flowing. Fast forward 5 minutes & the team we love scores only a few minutes into the game. The crowd explodes. I jump up out of sheer instinct, but I don’t feel that edge…that excitement.
The game continues & you can’t ask for more – a lead, then a tie, a lead, then a tie – finally, an OT goal, in front of the net we were seated right behind, to win the game.
Now here’s the Vortex: the second I got in the arena & heard it rocking, I questioned why I wasn’t on the edge of my seat like everyone else. The game went on & I tried to remember happy moment from the past of sitting in the same arena, & those memories escaped me, as if I hadn’t made any. I even forgot (in the game I was watching), how some of the very goals I had just seen in this game, had been scored. Needless to say, I kept questioning myself.
Instead of being in the moment & accepting what I COULD feel…I was stuck testing & questioning myself & why I couldn’t connect w my memories or emotions. Maybe it was my PTSD. Maybe it’s how far I still have to come go. Maybe it’s how my memory has been affected from treatments. Not sure. However…what I do know is I spent more time UPSET about what I couldn’t feel, than accepting & appreciating what I could.
Can you relate? A show you’ve been wanting to see! A concert? A play? An art gallery? A sporting event as well? Just want you to know I feel you. It’s not easy accepting. It’s not easy dropping expectations. But we must. Bc if we don’t, we end up down the track of this vortex that I’m in today, that’s hard to think your way out of. You can only get back to mindfulness, appreciating what you can in the now, & working on healing & getting back those emotions you so desperately miss. If you feel/have felt like me, you’re not alone. I’m with you. Maybe that helps you…not sure…but it always helps me to know I’m not the only one. Thanks, fam.