“Growing is in Canada and working to be a pro hockey player, I fell into some of the worst head spaces, habits, injuries and depression I ever thought imaginable. I evolved into an identity I didn’t have the strength to let go of.
I hit rock bottom in my career and life. It was my 3rd year of professional hockey. I signed a two-way NHL deal with the New York Islanders. This was my chance, everything I had ever worked for, built up in my own mind, projected, fantasized and placed at the epicenter of my happiness. And then, an errant shot shattered my hand, prescription pills were handed out like PEZ candy followed by little to no accountability on the recovery process.
The pressure, stress and fear of missing my window of opportunity pushed me to come back early from my hand injury. I was tagged in a fight that rocked me with yet another concussion. This one I actually disclosed – and it left me locked in a dark room for almost two months. It was probably around my eighth or ninth concussion to that point in my career, but who really counts in hockey anyways. But this one in particular, brought me down a rabbit hole where there was no light. Like my fallen comrades, I sourced pain killers, alcohol, drugs and bottled up fear, anxiety and pain – a toxic combination that fuelled my frantic and chaotic mind.
I have not shared a lot with my friends and family about where my life has now transitioned and the focus I now have. They all know something incredible has happened to me. They have seen the change in my entire being and a lot of them think it’s another phase.
It’s NOT, I can assure you. Truthfully, this is the first time in my life that I really don’t care what people say about me, or how they react. Those that are meant to understand me well understand me and those that don’t are not meant to. My ultimate goal for the rest of my life, is to empower others and help others.
I have BIG freaking Goals that I am going to achieve and I have already started this journey.
I am going to be a life coach. I am going to speak to whoever will listen. I am here for a purpose. It has taken a while to figure it out, but now that I have come to know it, I now must live it!
My state of mind was frantic, scared and anxiety ridden. The constant fear of knowing I would be fighting almost nightly, had me trying to escape the thoughts and stress consistently. Depression and fear were always present. Lack of healthy and proper sleep was a source I came to realize is one of the most important needs for better mental well-being.
I had a moment of clarity or somewhat of a rock bottom. I can honestly say, I didn’t listen the first, second or even third time these presented themselves. But eventually, I decided changes needed to be made. I wanted to heal my past to take responsibility for my future.
Talking with others, especially those who felt the same in whatever parts of their lives, supported me considerably. Yoga, meditation and breathwork were instrumental. Outdoor activities like back-country skiing, rock climbing and hiking, connected me with nature and myself. Journaling was a large source of getting my thoughts on paper and looking at them objectively. Finally, plant medicines have been a huge part and impact to my healing process and overall transformation. My website and autobiography explain my journey further.
It has been a very difficult and challenging process telling others. There has been resistance from some, but more so, from within, on the fear of disappointing others and not meeting expectations. It has been a necessary, yet vulnerable uncovering of my life. I am however grateful to be now authentically living in my Truth!”