The guy smiling on the left is one of my best friends going all the way back to college, Andrew. He’s getting married in Amsterdam bc his wife-to-be is Dutch, & her whole fam lives here.
In this pic, he’s laughing bc we had a bottle delivered, as if it was his bday back in the days of our 20s when we actually went to clubs. Nowadays we’re lucky if this grp of 15 guys can stay awake past 1am 🤣.
Still within a yr of arising from my PTSD “crash,” I look arnd the group every so often, & see everyone laughing or enjoying in the moment, & it’s natural that I compare my “level” of enjoyment to theirs. No one would be able to tell, bc I’m always smiling (& yes it’s natural, not forced), but inside, there is definitely part of me that’s very frustrated that I still can’t feel all the joy, emotion, love, excitement, that I’d like to as we celebrate one of my best friend’s big weekend. Functionally I’m back to myself but emotionally, just not “there.”
Every time I get down abt that “lack of” I think back to where I was a yr ago, 2 yrs ago…in a bed, staring at the ceiling, rarely eating. Back then, if his wedding wknd were coming up, no matter how much it’d hurt, I wouldn’t even be able to come to the celebration.
Let’s say I could actually measure my level of emotions vs what I felt in the past & I say I’m at 60%. I can either be pissed I can’t find that additional 40% (& some, as even back then, I likely wasn’t in an ideal state), or, I can be so happy that 60% is abt 55% better than I was for those 2.5 yrs in the past.
It’s hard to see the silver lining, but just like CBT, the second I get frustrated, I think abt that 5% mode…I think abt how through yoga, meditation, breathing, etc., I’m gonna continue to be able to feel more over time.
Crashes sucks. But they’re feedback mechanisms to help you change perspective. They help you enjoy even more, at times when you feel like you’re not fully enjoying! Appreciate the “down” time for the gifts they give. I’ll keep posting pics from this beautiful country & wedding party, on our social channels…maybe even our “roasts” of him tonight 🤣!
