The abuse in the relationship began very gradually: it was a perfect romance in the beginning and the controlling behaviors began after he asked me to move in with him after three months of dating—a red flag in hindsight. He gave me a key to the apartment within the first week of dating and was quick to introduce me to his professional friends as his boyfriend shortly thereafter, which felt like things were moving too fast but I overrode those feelings given how great he seemed: he was smart, handsome, charming and successful.
Once I moved in, his behavior changed. He became intensely over-involved and critical of my professional choices, eventually pressuring me to devote less energy to my acting career and more time on pursuits he deemed worthy of my time so that I could pay more rent. Before I agreed to move in, he said that he would honor the rent I had been paying in Brooklyn for the past two years and within weeks of moving in, he was suddenly presenting new expectations. He would initially offer things out of generosity that I never asked for (such as trips and dinners) and then use that as leverage to resent me if I didn’t meet other demands or expectations. “I’ve spent thousands of dollars on you.” After I happily did things such as cook dinner, assist with the AirBNB or take care of his dog, he began to expect them and his attitude shifted from gratitude to apathy. After drinking, he would easily erupt into rages where he would humiliate me in person and lash out angrily anytime I did not agree with his point of view. He was a screamer and it was terrifying to witness him jump from a 0 to 100 without warning. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and began to feel like a servant rather than a romantic partner.
We initially had great intimacy but after I moved in, the energy gradually shifted and he seemed to lose sexual interest in me. He said that he wasn’t an affectionate person but he would happily give the dog more affection than he would to me on most days. I wondered if he was having an affair; when I finally asked him, he denied it. In the beginning of our relationship, he complimented me on how intuitive I was. My intuition was telling me something was wrong. I asked another way. He finally said, “At least tell me what your evidence is.” Over the course of our relationship, he came home with STDs twice — but denied that these outbreaks came from new infections with other partners; meanwhile, I had not contracted anything. He eventually did confess to engaging in a sexual activity with a drug dealer in exchange for crystal meth. And he said he had no remorse for doing it. My worst fear had been realized.
I was left in a constant state of confusion. The amazing qualities that initially drew me to this person began to be overshadowed by cracks that would begin to surface. More and more red flags. I noticed he seemed to spend money impulsively and he began to invest in cryptocurrency like a gambling addict. Each time I raised a concern, I seemed to get nowhere in addressing the actual issue and he would often deflect to a different topic: usually to remind me that I was paying less rent than he was or to remind me of something I missed in the upkeep of the apartment. I’m not perfect but I would always go out of my way to try to please him and yet he never seemed to be happy with me no matter what I did or how hard I tried. He constantly changed the rules so that I could never do enough to satisfy him. And when the cryptocurrency market crashed, his negative energies only escalated. The mind games, humorous put-downs, manipulative tactics and ability to twist things around, lack of remorse or accountability, constant criticizing and belittling, and weaponized resentment of my partner left me feeling like an empty shell of myself. I would go to bed next to him with unparalleled fear, stress and anxiety, my heart racing so much that it sometimes took several hours to fall asleep. By the time I found the courage to leave, I felt my entire being had been run into the ground. These feelings have carried well beyond the duration of the relationship. I went into the relationship with confidence and came out without a shred of it.